At A Loss Of What To Say

[Airstills]

Hey there, I am a freshmen in Highschool, and as many of you that still attend school know, the school year is just about to close.



Now don't get me wrong, I am a very well known student in my school and a few other schools and I am still very popular, I just wish I wasn't known as being "not very talkative". I look at my freshmen year as a huge amount of progress, because I gained a lot of self-esteem and courage from 8th grade. I also came a long way out of my shell then I was at the beginning of the year.



However, coming out of my shell doesn't nessecarily mean I am good at making strong relationships with people. I generally make a lot of small talk, but when it comes down to it, I am really only "aqcuianted" with people, not huge friends.



I have two friends that I kind of look at as role models, just because they are incredible socially. The one is friends with almost everybody inside the school and in other schools too(there are of course people that just won't like you) and it seems like he has an amazing rep. that everyone loves him. (not literally of course). He seems to know all the right buttons to push and all the right things to say to everyone. It's incredible and blows my mind.



The other friend I have knows how to make everyone laugh. He is a charmer with the ladies (as am I) but always seems to excel at making someone laugh or smile. He can walk over to a group of people and have them rolling on the ground in seconds. I was never much of a jokester at heart (although this year I have definitely become better at it).







So all I'm really asking is how do I say all the rights things or hit all the right buttons to reach these stronger relationships with people? How can I ultimately become a more 'talkative" person? I really wish I can master this social technique because sometimes I envy my friend who seems to be on par with everybody.



Thanks in advance and yes I know it's a long read but this is a difficult problem to type out!

[AlaaAbuali]

Hey there,

I know exactly what you are talking about, because me and you are practically the same person, I have the exact problem. Ever since I was young, and I have the same problem or having trouble knowing the right thing to say, I mean, I always like joke around and do small talk, but like to really socialize with anyone I meet, its hard for me. My role model is my sister, she could be in a room with complete strangers for the very first time, and then in one hour, she'd be good friends with everyone in the room, she just knows the right thing to say, and the right way to make friends with someone, or attract someone, or make someone laugh. No matter how many years I've looked up to her, and tried to be like her, I made little progress, and at first it upset me, because people always used to point out that my sister is the talkative and social one, and I am the quiet one, and that always upset me, because people usually go for the talkative one, but then as time passed, I figured that I should stop trying to be like her, because even if i succeed in being like her, it will never really be me, it will just be me trying to be her, or trying to imitate her, so in someway, its fake, because who I really am and my personality is the quiet one, and the people who really do like you, not just like you as the popular known person, but who actually care for you as a person and a friend, love the person you are, who you really are, that quiet less talkative person, and not the social talkative one on the surface. So be who you are, and this is the person who people will love. And I know that it would still be better if you'd come just a little more out of your shell, but no matter what you do, at the end of the day, this is your personality, and this where you'll always feel comfortable and in your zone, unlike if you try to be like your role models and be them, you won't feel comfortable, you'll feel like your someone else, even if that person succeeds to attract people, it still won't be you, and there is nothing wrong with you, we all have our own personalities, and that's what makes us unique amongst others, that's what makes you different from your role models.

You know usually, we don't speak up and we are less talkative, although we might know the right thing to say but we just don't say it, because a part of us feels that if we say it, it might be the wrong thing, or that people might make fun of us, or we're afraid of people's reaction in general if we step up and talk naturally, and this usually has to do with the fact that we are not confident, and have low self-esteem, but you know sometimes, when i used to think of something, and I wanted to say it, but i was afraid of how it would sound, i would just say it, and surprisingly, people would receive it well, which encouraged me to speak up later on, because speaking out loud turned out not to be as bad as i thought it would be, so you see, you have to be courageous that one time, and then when you find that people will receive you well, it gives you the courage to speak up the next time, till you are used to it, till you are confident about yourself and what you have to say and what people will think of you. So I guess it comes with practice and a little courage. And the first time is always the hardest, in everything.

And as you said, comparing yourself to how you were at the start of the year, you came a long way out of your shell, so you see, it just needs time.



Please feel free to reply if you feel you need to discuss this further, and I will get back to you right away.

[Airstills]

Well firstly I would like to thank you for replying back <img src='http://www.helpingteens.org/groups/publ ... iggrin.gif' class='bbc_emoticon' alt=':D' />.



Secondly, I think you may have misunderstood me. (Like I said, this is very hard to type out) It's not like I'm trying to imitate my two 'role models' and be someone I'm not, it's the fact that I wish I had the right idea of what to say/do to attract people.



For example, my one friend seems to know all these things and stories that he thinks people will find enjoyable. In reality, I'm sure, he just knows how to adapt himself and who he is in a way that people will find interesting.



Thats the skill I wish I could learn how to do. I know I have interesting things in my life, it's not like I have to read up on all these different things people like and want to talk about, it's just a matter of applying what I already know and making conversations out of it.



Thats the main problem for me, I just can't find out who or what it is people are talking about, and if I do know, then how do I converse on that subject in a way I can relate and join in?

[Airstills]

Any other advice?