Moderator: Sex & Relationships Moderators
- Posts: 264
- Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2004 9:48 pm
Wow it's...been a long time. 10 years, actually, almost exactly. I was a very different person back in 2004 when I first came to this forum in need of help and sympathy. I was a scared little (well, not psychically ) 16.5 year old who thought he was gay and because I was a junior in small town suburbia, this entailed the end of the world for my existence. I figured the source of my misery was the fact I was still hiding in the closet and the solution was to simply shed my skin and be honest with myself. After all, the source of my misery seemed to stem from feeling "ingenuine" about myself around everyone I knew, even my closest friends at the time.
Through coming out to my parents and talking to other gay guys, I soon realized however that my misery still lingered and that I simply couldn't relate. I felt more feminine than I did masculine...to the point where I felt more female than male even. After a long exhausting and emotionally draining summer I realized that I wasn't a gay man at all. A post on this exact forum had a user talking about coming out as trans, and at first I shrugged it off thinking it weird like I had my whole life. But then I thought longer about it, and if that person had come out as trans and they were just some average kid like me...then maybe there was something to it. I had to find answers to what was ailing me. My problem didn't stem from orientation but rather my identity. I wasn't a "he" at all...I was meant to be a girl. I was transgendered and always had been.
At the time I reached a crisis over it. I freaked out badly enough over "realizing" I was gay, but now this?! I knew I could never face the world as one of those freaks who got a "sex change." Was that really me? Keep in mind, things like Orange Is The New Black didn't exist even 10 years ago. All my information came from the internet. I felt so isolated and alone with my dark secret. I couldn't tell anyone, and I truly felt as if my life was over after realizing this about myself. I hid this information for a very long time.
Back then I never imagined I'd be at the place I am nowadays. Being out as myself in the world, as a woman, as me, seemed so scary and daunting and impossible, I just didn't want to face something that terrifying. Yet, here I am, 2 years on hormones replacement therapy, no longer miserable and feeling pretty good about life these days. I have absolutely zero regrets with transitioning and I know that it was what was right for me.
I guess the point is, without this forum, I never would have even taken the steps to figuring out myself in the first place. It's entirely possible I'd have stumbled upon it through some other route but it may have taken longer, months, years, decades even, maybe never. I'd glad I found out, so I can live as myself now after years of building the courage to finally face who I have always been.
I was a horribly depressed, miserable, and terrified 16 year old "boy" on the verge of "manhood" when coming here, a reality that seemed so horrible I'd have rather faced death itself. I can proudly say today I am a beautiful 26 year old woman who truly feels like a real adult, moving on with her life.
I hope others can use outlets such as this to help discover themselves and to grow into the beautiful, confident people they will one day become, no matter who or what they are.
<b>You've got to go and get for yourself</b>
- Posts: 2386
- Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2003 4:21 pm