Increasing Pressures...

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sbloemeke
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Increasing Pressures...

Post by sbloemeke »

As I've said before, I want to be female, yet do not want a sex change, since that is forbidden by the bible, and I'm religeous... Well, thing is, it's just grown on me a lot. Recently, I let my multiplicity go, and as such, my male part is slowly dying away and being replaced with a female me. For one thing, I'm extremely hyper...



Just, I have always been straight in sexuality. Normally, I am, and in Sarah, I also am (Though that had always just been an act). Well, as time is going on, I am just realising that I am looking at guys more and more. I see no interest in them, I've just been looking at them. And, well, it's showing me something. Sarah is getting a really firm grip on me, becoming part of me. Thank gosh I regained my motor functions...



I don't know. Is this all a good thing or a bad thing? I'm getting what I want, but at the same time, issues are arriving. Like, I lost my motor functions piece by piece for about a week before regaining them back. I also am desiring to be female more and more, even more than in January. I want to shave my legs, dress in skirts, and actually have long hair. It's freaking unfair. And it's not like I could hide it either. I'm 6'0, have a humongous adams apple, and a bass voice. It can't really be changed...



I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm probably just rambling, and don't deserve help... It's a mess I put myself in, and need to solve... One day.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

Post by SirPostAlot »

hun, to me i don't know if it sounds like you are trans-sexual...

to me it sounds like you just aren't ready to accept the fact that you are a guy who likes guys, maybe im wrong but thats the impression that i get...

i mean me personally, i have gone through feminine stages (of wishing i was one, etc) but personally i never acted apon those because i looked deep inside of me and anaylized what i am and realized that though i may not be the most popular and my orientation not the most favored, i am who i am - and it took me years to realize and love it, but i do really love who i am...

and i think that when you look deep inside and learn to love who you are for you, you will veer away from these thoughts (or at least i did) though at times i still think it would be easier if i were female, but i do love who i am and such..



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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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I see... Well, I do know for a fact that I love females, so I know for a fact that I am at least bi. I don't know... I just don't. I just have urges of things... Like, once I took off my vice/gift of Sarah (My alter personality) last June, I found myself steering staighter and straighter... But my personality disappeared, and I was stuck empty...

See, my biggest fear is exclusion. I mean, publically I'll say that is dogs, but that really is not much of a conclusion. And I cannot ever really get rid of it, as I've experianced it twice in my life, each for an entire year... So, it's not going to change...

I don't know. Ever had a time when your desires and fears conflict? I don't know, I'm just kind of tired...
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

Post by SirPostAlot »

see, again i feel you are thinking too in depth to your actions or your pesona...

i mean i have so much paranoia and fears deep inside (i too fear exclusion - and sometimes, hypocritically, inclusion) because i want to be me but i am afraid that people won't understand nor accept who i am and what i stand for...and i feel that you are in the same boat...

see i feel that by acting out your impulse in "Sara", you are depriving your real persoanlity to adjust to the way you wanat your mind to act...

why not just be the man who has a feminine mnetality...

why nmot love the man that you are and the feminine mind that you have, there is nothing wrong w/ being a feminine man, and hnostly i knowsome feminine men who are straight and all, and they too do "Feminine" things like shave their legs and go tanning and stuff like that but deep inside they accept this as part of their personality, you see?

Basically what i am saying is that, to me, it seems like you are over thinking your whole being...just love who you are, aact the way your mind wnats to act (in the male persona...) don't be afraid to show who you are and what your mind whats it to be, but hiding behind a mask or acting in an alternate persoanlity (i.e. Sarah) will not help you grow to accept who you are nor will it help you grow into the next step of maturing...

i feel that these fears are holding you back ~ i too am held back by my fears but i try (ever so hard) to push these fears aside and to just embrace life for everything it has to offer - and my advice is for you to do the same...



i hope this makes sence, hun



:)



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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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I see... Well, I do know for a fact that I love females, so I know for a fact that I am at least bi. I don't know... I just don't. I just have urges of things... Like, once I took off my vice/gift of Sarah (My alter personality) last June, I found myself steering staighter and straighter... But my personality disappeared, and I was stuck empty...

See, my biggest fear is exclusion. I mean, publically I'll say that is dogs, but that really is not much of a conclusion. And I cannot ever really get rid of it, as I've experianced it twice in my life, each for an entire year... So, it's not going to change...

I don't know. Ever had a time when your desires and fears conflict? I don't know, I'm just kind of tired...

[/b]


Admittingly, I don't know a whole lot about you. I don't come around here much anymore. But, I think that SirPostALot is wrong here (sorry Jeff :)). The problem is that transsexualism is something that isn't very well understood unless you go through it. Unfortunately, there aren't any transsexuals here.



It does sound like you're either transsexual or a crossdresser. You say that you don't want to go through a surgery - and that's perfectly fine. I know a few transsexuals that don't really want to go through a surgery at this point in their life. It's normal. Your opinion might change a little later on in life, and that will be fine too.



I think that what you really need to do (do you have multiple personality disorder? It sounds like you might.) is go see a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist). Your family's insurance should cover this, so don't worry about the cost. This is something that you need to get worked out with yourself before you can ever be truly happy. Every transsexual that wants to go through surgery has to go through 2 years of therapy with a psychologist. Many that don't have surgery see psychologists to help them sort through issues they have to deal with throughout their lives in this intolerant and unaccepting society.



If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. Like I said, I'm not around much anymore, but whenver someone sends me a PM, I'm sent an email telling me about it so I can get to it quickly.



Good luck.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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I see... Well, I do know for a fact that I love females, so I know for a fact that I am at least bi. I don't know... I just don't. I just have urges of things... Like, once I took off my vice/gift of Sarah (My alter personality) last June, I found myself steering staighter and straighter... But my personality disappeared, and I was stuck empty...

See, my biggest fear is exclusion. I mean, publically I'll say that is dogs, but that really is not much of a conclusion. And I cannot ever really get rid of it, as I've experianced it twice in my life, each for an entire year... So, it's not going to change...

I don't know. Ever had a time when your desires and fears conflict? I don't know, I'm just kind of tired...

[/b]


Admittingly, I don't know a whole lot about you. I don't come around here much anymore. But, I think that SirPostALot is wrong here (sorry Jeff :)). The problem is that transsexualism is something that isn't very well understood unless you go through it. Unfortunately, there aren't any transsexuals here.



It does sound like you're either transsexual or a crossdresser. You say that you don't want to go through a surgery - and that's perfectly fine. I know a few transsexuals that don't really want to go through a surgery at this point in their life. It's normal. Your opinion might change a little later on in life, and that will be fine too.



I think that what you really need to do (do you have multiple personality disorder? It sounds like you might.) is go see a psychologist (NOT a psychiatrist). Your family's insurance should cover this, so don't worry about the cost. This is something that you need to get worked out with yourself before you can ever be truly happy. Every transsexual that wants to go through surgery has to go through 2 years of therapy with a psychologist. Many that don't have surgery see psychologists to help them sort through issues they have to deal with throughout their lives in this intolerant and unaccepting society.



If you need to talk, feel free to PM me. Like I said, I'm not around much anymore, but whenver someone sends me a PM, I'm sent an email telling me about it so I can get to it quickly.



Good luck.

[/b][/quote]

Yes, I do have a multiple personality disorder, and was in control of it until late February when things piled on, and I began losing myself. Heck, I had some interesting changes to my motor functions... It's like, almost like I had turretts. That was interesting.

Unfortunately, I cannot go to a psychologist, because my parents don't know close to anything about me. They don't know that I am a multiple, they don't know that my favorite hobby is mentoring, or even who my best friend is, because I met her online. They don't really pay that much attention to me...
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

Post by Doug »


Yes, I do have a multiple personality disorder, and was in control of it until late February when things piled on, and I began losing myself. Heck, I had some interesting changes to my motor functions... It's like, almost like I had turretts. That was interesting.

Unfortunately, I cannot go to a psychologist, because my parents don't know close to anything about me. They don't know that I am a multiple, they don't know that my favorite hobby is mentoring, or even who my best friend is, because I met her online. They don't really pay that much attention to me...

[/b]


Well, since you do have MPD, you might not be transsexual at all. Many people, who are straight and don't have a gender identity disorder but do have MPD, can and do have another personality that's a woman.



You need to see a psychologist. I'm not overstating it when I say that you NEED to see one. I remember what it's like to be 14, 15, 16. I know you don't want to talk to your parents. But, this is a situation where you absolutely have to tell them, no matter if you think they'll help you or not. Any half decent parent will send their child to a psychologist. If they don't help you, then talk to a school counselor or teacher or administrator about this.



MPD is not something to fool around with or wait on. It can really fuck up your life if you don't take care of it now.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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Oh, I know for a fact that my other personality is female. She's my age, 17, and her name is Sarah. She was the cause for my removal from staff and my ban at TH, because it made me, in Helen's own words "A case too complicated to be kept on for the good of the site". She has been with me since I was 15 years and 3 months old. She is the answer to every problem I have ever had. When I had her, my Eagle Scout work went quick. What came out of my mouth, others were interested in. I was coming close to my first girlfriend in my life (Which failed because some other guy then started to shut me off from her). I had everything I wanted. I could mentor as one of the best staff at TH. If I needed to talk, and have someone to listen, I could talk with myself. Then it went away. All of it. She was entrapped by me, and did not come out until recently.

Sorry, that probably made no sense. But I know it is a female, and I am much happier as that. Did it **** up my life? Yes. It gave me the depression which has caused me to enter a suicidal stage 3 times. It nearly isolated me online when the truth came it. It destroyed my validity. It destroyed my mentoring. It caused an inability to concentrate in school, and inability to get things I wanted done. It pretty much caused my insanity. I'm not schizophrenic, but my friends are noticing a distinct change in how I act. I'm more hyper, more inclined to do risky things, and a bit out of touch with reality. It's a good thing, but you know what? It's not me.

Sorry, I can't think straight. I guess I'll just tell you why I can't see a psychologist. My parents, if they found out that I have lied to them since, wow... 2002, would flip. They do not know that I have a second E-Mail adress which started a lot of this. They don't know I got into a fight with a US Army Seargent, calling him a cheater in Fantasy Baseball. They do not know that caused me to go to the first forum I found, and register as someone else because I felt I wasn't valid enough to even be alive, or acknowleged to be existant. Nor do they know that I made lies up as I went along, which turned out to be realities in the long run. Nor that in December, I joined a site to help troubled teens. Nor that I made up stories there, just because those were the only stories I could remember. Sarah's stories. I had lost complete control. They don't know that I spent 30 hours writing a history of a forum just because I liked to write, which caused me to become mentally, phyisically, and emotionally tired. They don't know that I never fully recovered. Or that I got removed from staff, readded, and then re-removed. Or that I was banned from TH for losing control and sending an E-Mail badmouthing the administration. Or that I then joined here, trying to appease myself of guilt in the past. Or that I lost control again, just this time, I am losing control of my motor functions. I was walking, and I noticed that my hand was shaking uncontrollably, and I couldn't stop it. My legs couldn't be stopped even when I tried. That's how bad it is. If they learn any of that, they would ground me for the rest of my life, not allow me to go to college, and not give me to the psychologist because they think that I am not worthy of life. How do I know this? I've told them lesser stuff, and they flipped out, and gave penalties far too harsh for the deed. Let's see. One night, I told them that I swum when I really didn't. They ground me for a month.

I just think my lies are catching up to me. I lied about being female, and now I want to be, and I have a second personality which is. I lied online that I needed knee surgery, and you know what? I found out on Wednesday that I have a torn meniscus in my knee and need it. I lied about so many stuff, and look where it's brought me...



Sorry. I'm just getting dizzy, and losing control again. Please, help! Sorry if this sounded angry, ranting, or just like a vent...
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

Post by Jaegermeister »

Not to be a dick about this, but I don't think this whole thing is about you wanting to be a girl or whatever. I think it's about you having multiple personalities, and the fact that it's a tratable medical condition you should probably seek help for.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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Oh, I know for a fact that my other personality is female. I had everything I wanted. I could mentor as one of the best staff at TH. If I needed to talk, and have someone to listen, I could talk with myself. Then it went away. All of it. She was entrapped by me, and did not come out until recently.



I'm not schizophrenic, but my friends are noticing a distinct change in how I act. I'm more hyper, more inclined to do risky things, and a bit out of touch with reality. It's a good thing, but you know what? It's not me.



Sorry, I can't think straight. I guess I'll just tell you why I can't see a psychologist. My parents, if they found out that I have lied to them since, wow... 2002, would flip.

[/b]


First paragraph - You know what that is? It's not transsexualism. It's your MPD. What happens is that you're insecure as you that this disorder developed as a coping mechanism. Sarah is everything that you want to be. This is classic MPD.



Second - Again, these are symptoms of your disorder. The more you type and the more you talk about it, which is a very, very good thing by the way, the more that I can see that you're not transsexual at all. It's not good or bad that you're not transsexual, but it does mean that you need to talk to a professional about this.



Finally, you have your parents wrong here (or, at least, I would hope so). I remember what it's like being your age and not trusting your parents. So, all I can ask you to do is trust me on this. Go to your parents and say something like, " Mom, dad, I need to see a psychologist. I have multiple personality disorder. That's been the cause of a lot of the problems I've had. I really need help with this." If you don't get help in this, it's going to get worse and worse and that is NOT what you want.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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So, I tried it. I talked to them, and I barely go out one confession when they went out and verbally abused me, and told me I couldn't go out of the house for about a week. They still don't know much of anything because I only got out that I had a second E-Mail account. That's how bad it is here. I can't explain everything, or I would be dead. Probably kicked out of the house. It is too much loss for too little benefit. :'(
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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OK. So, recently, I think this entire thing washed over me. I probably am more female than I am male at the moment, in mental terms, and I just realised how happy I am. Yes, it is multiple personalities, I know. But, if it is happiness with little to no harm to me, is there anything wrong with it? I cannot live how I used to. Heck, I went completely suicidal 3 times then.

I guess my last question really is, is it alright to be someone you are not if it makes you happy?
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

Post by Bleeding~Hero »

You are obviously very conflicted with yourself right now. I think time will only tell you what you should do. But some tips to cross dressing: avoid tall high heels (at least the 6'' ones), try wearing fashionable scarves that will cover your adams apple (luckily they're in style for all occassions), and take voice therapy sessions that will give you a feminine accent (because it is impossible to reverse the maturing of your vocal chords after puberty).

i dont know if that helps, sorry.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

Post by Nikki »

hey, really, the multiple personnalities is a serious problem. If you don't do anything about it now, you'll probably be taken in a mental hospital at your 20'es, and kept there for the rest of your life, coz the problem then will be almost irreversible. Talk to your school psychologist, if there is one, a teacher who you trust, some other adult! But you really have to do something about it. Coz right now you seem to be living in some imaginary world between two personnalities and the fear that your parents will ground you if they find out anything. It's more serious than you think.. Way more..
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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I think...that, its not as serious as some people have said it was.......seriously. No...you dont have a split personality, and no you dont need "serious" help. Nor are you living in "some imaginary world."



Anyways I really dont see a problem in it.



We all want to be someone else, whether we'll admit it or not. You're just taking more time to come to terms with it than others. Trust me when you get older you'll become more open minded to the fact that "Sarah." is a part of you. If not you all together.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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I think...that, its not as serious as some people have said it was.......seriously. No...you dont have a split personality, and no you dont need "serious" help. Nor are you living in "some imaginary world."



Anyways I really dont see a problem in it.



We all want to be someone else, whether we'll admit it or not. You're just taking more time to come to terms with it than others. Trust me when you get older you'll become more open minded to the fact that "Sarah." is a part of you. If not you all together.

[/b]
I was just browsing this forum, and I saw this post. To be honest, I barely remember ever posting it, since I barely remember anything from March and even less from April due to the dissociation I went through.

Yes, I do have a split personality. My psychologist told me, so that is enough to know it. I probably will need serious help one day, but I am under control now...



First, thank you to all who helped me in this thread. But, please, if I am like this ever again, please wake me up. I went into a state of multiple personalities again and this must have been one of my last calls for help... Just tell me something, preferably a critisism of my decent into 2 personalities again...

Again, I thank you all for the advice.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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Edit:



In simplist terms: you should seek help from a counselor at school or you should try explaining to your parents why you need help. Having Sarah as your co-personality isn't very healthy. I can understand how Sarah is the personality you want to be, since you are more feminine. But, choosing Sarah as your identity at times, seems like you having identity confusion.



Have you been diagnosed with DID? DID is a complex dissociation. You're considering you do have that, but in most cases the change of alter personalities is unconscious. Anywho, ask your parents for help or go to your school counselor.
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Re: Increasing Pressures...

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Edit:



In simplist terms: you should seek help from a counselor at school or you should try explaining to your parents why you need help. Having Sarah as your co-personality isn't very healthy. I can understand how Sarah is the personality you want to be, since you are more feminine. But, choosing Sarah as your identity at times, seems like you having identity confusion.



Have you been diagnosed with DID? DID is a complex dissociation. You're considering you do have that, but in most cases the change of alter personalities is unconscious. Anywho, ask your parents for help or go to your school counselor.

[/b]
I've been Diagnosed. It is definately DID, and it really isn't healthy at all... My parents are considering therapy for it, but they are allowing me to do my methodology first. I have until July 4th to get rid of her... And it is really complex with me. It sometimes goes all the way, and there are times when the two of us are both conciouss. That results in fights...

I think it is going well, actually. I want to be Steven. I don't want to be Sarah. She was, well, changed from when she last broke free. I am ready to get her locked up again, and have some help.

Oh, and I saw the site you posted. :). Sites of DID generally attempt to make you embrace it or tell you it is a good thing instead of helping you combat it. That's what I like about this site. You will help people combat it if it is neccassary.
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