I hope you're OK.
It's 'funny' being FAT.
Oh I don't mean 'funny' as in 'Haha' funny - but 'funny' as in 'weird' or 'unusual' or 'odd' or something like that.
All last year - I worked very hard at losing my excess weight. I was relatively successful. I lost probably 80% of what I wanted to lose but then my body just stopped losing. It went on like this for weeks. I finally gave up. Now here I am - almost back to where I started from.
But you know something? I'm not sure I like being thinner. Oh sure - less FAT would be nice - but not thinner. [if you know what I mean] I feel - oddly enough ['funny' enough?] - more insecure the less I weigh. It's as though my body fat is like my suit of armour. The less armour I'm wearing - the more vulnerable I feel. Being BIG makes me feel more powerful. The heavier I am - more more weight I have to 'throw around'. LITERALLY.
The trouble is - when I was a kid - I came to believe that ONLY short, in-shape [or skinny] guys could be considered cute or good-looking. But more importantly - ONLY short, in-shape [or skinny] guys were LOVABLE. A BIG GUY like ME could NOT be loved. That is what my childhood taught me. When I was in school - I was bullied because of my size. I was the heaviest AND the tallest kid. In fact - I was heavier and taller than most of the teachers. [by the time I was in grade 5] Because of the bullying - I have always hated being BIG. [in spite of being told a few times how 'lucky' I was to BE big] The guys who seemed to be popular and [more importantly] ACCEPTED BY OTHERS - were the shorter, skinnier guys. I always believed that IF I could wake up tomorrow a short and skinny guy - THEN I would be loved. It's all silly - perhaps - but that's what I have always believed. Because of that - I have always resisted doing any weight training. [because weight training would just make me BIGGER] It's also [probably] why I always refuse to lose those last few pounds. What if I find out I'm wrong? What if I find out that I'm NOT lovable just because of who I AM and NOT because I'm BIG.
Another 'concern' that I have with getting into shape [once and for all] is the fact that all of my life I have had a mental 'list' of the things I would DO - IF I was in shape. That 'list' is BIG and that 'list' is SCARY. If I got into shape - I'd lose my excuse to do NOTHING. I would lose my excuse to avoid LIFE. I don't date anyone because of how I feel about my body. I don't go to parties. I don't accept invitations. I don't even have friends. [but there's more to not having friends than just my body size - but how I feel about my body has a LOT to do with it] It's also scary to be complimented about my looks - and the more weight I lose - the more compliments I get. Suddenly I become 'attractive' to other people. THAT can be terrifying.
Somehow - I am going to have to accept ME the way I AM. I am going to have to learn to accept that it is OK to BE BIG. And I'm going to have to become willing to replace my excess FAT [for health reasons] with MUSCLE. Maybe that's how I can deal with all of this. I'd still be BIG but not FAT. I'd still have the 'armour' that goes along with having a BIG body - but [maybe] I'd feel less insecure insofar as how I look. [clothed AND naked]
How I'm going to break through that 'wall' is another question. How I'm going to let go of what I have always accepted as the 'truth' isn't going to be easy.
Hmmm.....
Oh well. Just thought I'd share that with you.
Can any of you relate?
GREAT BIG HUG
Craig!!
